Dr. Cranquis' Mumbled Gripes
(Disclaimer: Questions related to medical topics will be answered to the best of Dr. Cranquis' (and Google's) knowledge, but the internet-delivered wisdom on this blog CAN NOT AND SHOULD NOT SUBSTITUTE for your Real-Life Doctor's personal attention + examination, and your own common sense too! If you think you're having a medical emergency, hang up and go email 911. The author of this blog takes no responsibility for any medical, relationship, scholastic, financial, or other decisions you may make based on information found in this blog.)
And since people seem to be a bit confused about this: any "real-sounding" patients names are just horrible puns, and not HIPAA violations.
Quitting smoking as a New Year’s Resolution? Congrats, you’re 11 days in — and here’s what you have to look forward to!
Linus Pauling, chemist, physiologist, 2-time Nobel Prize winner. (via cranquis)
Thought I’d reblog this fact, to accompany the “TV = shorter life expectancy” reblog a moment ago.
- Cranquis: So you only smoke at work?
- Patient: Yeah, it's stupid, but when I get a break at work, I go out for a smoke.
- Cranquis: So maybe you could spend your breaks doing something else?
- Patient *chuckling*: Or maybe I should just quit working.
- Cranquis: Let me know how that works out for you!
…but when I see that your problem list also includes “liver cancer, thyroid cancer, 3 strokes, and worsening kidney failure”, I might just shut up and let you keep enjoying whatever vices you have left before you kick the bucket.
- Ah, 10 blessed seconds of silence!
- I thought this lady would never stop talking.
- Whoops, almost bumped her boob there.
- Gotta remember to say “take a big BREATH”, not “BREAST”.
- Whew, I didn’t say BREAST!
- What’s that buzzing sound in her thorax?
- Oh, it’s the cellphone in her sweater pocket.
- She told me she “needs to be scared into quitting smoking”.
- I wonder if I should pretend to hear lung cancer, just to be helpful?
- I could say, “Oh my” and then not say anything else for 15 seconds.
- And then just kinda mutter, “Hmm… is that lung cancer?”
- And then she’d be all hyperventilating, and I’d be like, “Oh, nope, it’s just your lungs yelling QUIT SMOKING!”
- I wonder how hard she would slap me then?
***Page 1: Your period has arrived, again. You look in your bathroom cupboard, and can’t find any tampons. And with cigarette prices going up, money is tight! What do you do?
If you…
Go to the store and buy some tampons, go to page 85.
Don’t want to spend your cigarette $ on tampons, but certainly you’ll come up with a better idea, march on to page 2.
Do you see where this story is headed? Read on if you dare! [Editor’s Warning: This story contains graphic depictions of real-life financial decisions made by patients with Medicaid insurance and nicotine addiction. Do not read further if you are easily offended by reality.]
BENEFITS OF QUITTING SMOKING:
Despite the clunky phrasing, this is an accurate graphic.
The Little Ol’ Lady (LOL) who came in for “cough” provided me with a variety of possible explanations for her “cough every few weeks that only goes away with steroids and antibiotics”. Her theories included:
- Genetics - “Everyone in my family has this problem.”
- Environmental - “Maybe it’s the humidity? Maybe I’m allergic to the wind?”
- Emotional - “I’m pretty sure my lungs get sick when I’m feeling upset about things.”
- Metaphysical - “I’ve got bad luck in my lungs.”
All interesting theories — but which completely ignore her long-standing diagnosis of COPD and 60+ years of (still on-going) nicotine addiction. :(
In other words, when walking through a crowd of smokers outside of your workplace, you’re better off grabbing a cig and puffing on it. (I kid, I kid).
If you’re here to see a doctor because of your “cough that just won’t stop”…
And you smoke 2 packs of cigarettes per day…
And you start the conversation with, “Now, doctor, don’t you talk to me about quitting smoking”…
Isn’t that kind of like pouring sugar in your gas tank, and then telling the mechanic, “JUST DO AN OIL CHANGE AND EVERYTHING WILL BE FINE”???
John Cheese (Cracked.com’s resident hard-luck-success-story writer) writes an excellent article about his current/past smoking-cessation attempts, what he’s learned about life from them, and some valuable tips on succeeding at quitting smoking too. In summary:
- You can’t expect people to know what you’re going through. Solution: Lower your expectations for how “excited” or “supportive” people may be while you’re quitting.
- Your body/brain lies to you. Solution: Include counseling as part of your quit-plan, to learn how to recognize and ignore the “mental withdrawal” symptoms.
- Your memory will change with your mood. Solution: Write your reasons for quitting on a card and carry it with you, to refer to later when you try to rationalize resuming smoking.
- Everything is temporary, even if it doesn’t feel like it. Solution: When the craving to smoke hits you, check your watch. Most episodes of nicotine-craving only last for 3-5 minutes, so grit it out and you’ll get past it.
- Controlling your moods is your responsibility. Solution: Get counseling to deal with underlying emotional issues which can only be partially-blamed on the mood swing from smoking cessation.
