Dr. Cranquis' Mumbled Gripes
(Disclaimer: Questions related to medical topics will be answered to the best of Dr. Cranquis' (and Google's) knowledge, but the internet-delivered wisdom on this blog CAN NOT AND SHOULD NOT SUBSTITUTE for your Real-Life Doctor's personal attention + examination, and your own common sense too! If you think you're having a medical emergency, hang up and go email 911. The author of this blog takes no responsibility for any medical, relationship, scholastic, financial, or other decisions you may make based on information found in this blog.)
And since people seem to be a bit confused about this: any "real-sounding" patients names are just horrible puns, and not HIPAA violations.
Say something to a patient, realize that it sounds kind of funny.
Well, I think you should start keeping a diary of your bowel movements to help your doctor figure out whether you are truly lactose-intolerant. You could call it a diarrhea diary - ha!
Think about it for a few seconds after the patient leaves, realize there was a better pun I could have used, feel regret.
Aw man, I should’ve said: “You could call it a dietary diarrhea diary.” Dangit.
That evening, mention it to Mrs. Cranquis over dinner (she has a very strong stomach, thankfully), elicit polite chuckle. Think about it while watching Baby Cranquis in the bath-tub before bed.
Well DUH, I should’ve said it would be a “Dietary Dairy Diarrhea Diary.” I should tell Mrs. Cranquis… uh, never mind.
Dream fitfully about words that start with the “Di” syllable. Next morning, in shower, find myself mumbling.
I wonder if she’s diabetic? Or maybe her diarrhea is caused by food dye?
By that evening, feel like I’m going insane just trying to keep track of the bloated construction.
Ok, so if she is also into Scientology, is losing fluid weight from the watery bowel movements and associated sweating, and only has diarrhea in the daytime, it would be “A Diaphoretic Dianetic Diabetic’s Dietary Dairy and Dye Diuresing Diarrhea Diurnal Diary.”
I think I’m gonna need a sedative just to go to sleep tonight. This is just diabolical. :S
Hahahahahahaha, cranquis, you sound exactly like me when I should be revising :P My mind thinks of the strangest things…
(I’ve read this over like 5 times and I’m STILL laughing like a maniac)
I am not ashamed of this. :)
Nurse: So Doc, you’re discharging that pink eye, right?PA: * interrupting* No, he’s going to admit him.. to the ICU. I SEE YOU.
This joke is sclerable.
Cranquis: “…so the urologist recommends that you ejaculate more frequently.”
30-something Patient: 
Cranquis: “Actually, yes. And often.”
Patient *totally not acknowledging MY BEST COME-BACK EVER, HA HA*: “You mean, I need to, y’know…*vague hand gestures towards crotch while blushing* Man, I don’t even know what to call it!”
Cranquis:
A good gem for making sure you can understand what some of your patients may think when you use medical terminology.
Remember, Patient Centred first :)
#MLIMS
This is a great list. Let me add one:
European…… what yer doin’ if you ain’t a-poopin’.
Had to add a new disclaimer on the blog front page.
Apparently the made-up pun-name “Auriana” sounded too realistic, and now I’m getting messages from readers accusing me of HIPAA violation. :)
(I knew I should’ve named her Pinna. Or maybe Tragus?)
‘you have acute hepatitis’
no you have a cute hepatitis *winks at doctor*
Must be dialogue from the new Stephanie Meyer novel, Liver Let Die…
(via viewtoadmire)
- Nurse: Well how would you like it sent?
- Cranquis: Huh?
- Nurse: UPS? Fed Ex? Postal Service?
- Cranquis: Let's go with Pony Express.
- Nurse: Oooh, how about carrier pigeon?
- Cranquis: Well, then it would have to be a strep-carrier pigeon.
- Cranquis: Well you've got a stye in your eyelid.
- 70-something male patient *doesn't skip a beat*: Uh-oh, you think I got it from eating pork?
- Cranquis: Huh?
- Patient: Cuz I thought maybe it was a pig stye.
- Cranquis: *shakes patient's hand with a mixture of amusement and awe*
- Cranquis: Ok, here's your prescription for the antibiotics for your strep throat. Any questions?
- Teenaged female patient: Well I was hoping to go horseback riding today. Can I still go?
- Cranquis: As long as you don't kiss the horse -- we wouldn't want it to get a hoarse throat.
- Cranquis: ... so I spoke with the GI doc, and he'd like to see you tomorrow to check into your stomach problems.
- Patient: Ok, cool.
- Patient's friend: What GI doctor is she going to see?
- Cranquis: Dr. X.
- Friend: Oh man, you got Doctor X! He's great. My GI doc is Doctor Y, and he's just poopy.
- Cranquis: Well, technically, all GI docs... never mind.
- Patient and Friend: Huh?
- Cranquis: Never mind.
- Cranquis: Sorry I've been sending you so many knee xrays today.
- Xray Tech: No problem. But you'll be sending me another one before the shift is over.
- Cranquis: Oh really? How do you know?
- Xray Tech: I can feel it in my BONES.
- Nurse *from over by the lab-machine bench*: Oh dammit!
- Cranquis: What happened?
- Nurse: I spilled the urine sample all over.
- Cranquis: Ooooh, urine big trouble!
