Dr. Cranquis' Mumbled Gripes
(Disclaimer: Questions related to medical topics will be answered to the best of Dr. Cranquis' (and Google's) knowledge, but the internet-delivered wisdom on this blog CAN NOT AND SHOULD NOT SUBSTITUTE for your Real-Life Doctor's personal attention + examination, and your own common sense too! If you think you're having a medical emergency, hang up and go email 911. The author of this blog takes no responsibility for any medical, relationship, scholastic, financial, or other decisions you may make based on information found in this blog.)
Thanks to Josh Hutton for sharing this on the Cranquis Facebook Fan Page!
I’ve seen one of these in real-life before — I had an attending who would carry it in his pocket, and when he’d run into a new nurse, he’d whisper loudly “I brought in a stool sample today, would you mind taking a look at it?” and then toss the cup into his/her palm and watch for the reaction. Tee hee!
OVERLOAD!
acupuncture is a jab well done. via
For you arewehavingpun yet!
Oh my god. XD
for a friend!
Paging Dr. Cranquis
Arrgh the eye-strain from greedily trying to read every one of these delicacies.
But thanks for confessions-of-a-redhead’s super vision, here’s what they say:
If a clock gets hungry, it goes back four seconds.
Once you’ve seen one shopping center, you’ve seen the mall.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Jumping off a Paris bridge will make you in seine.
Bakers trade recipes on a knead to know basis.
Your calendar’s days are numbered.
(The next to last one I think is…) I break into song if I can’t find the key.
(And the last one looks like:) A dyslexic poet writes inverse.
- Nurse 1: How come you always wear your hair up in a bun, Kathy?
- Nurse 2: It's not a bun, Cathie, it's just a hair knot.
- Nurse 1: No, that is definitely a bun. Cathy, don't you think her hair is in a bun?
- Nurse 3: Oh yeah, that's a bun.
- Nurse 2: You guys, quit it, it's not a bun.
- Cranquis *calling from my workstation nearby*: Would you ladies PLEASE quit checking out Kathy's buns?
- Nurse 1: I can't help it, it's such a TIGHT bun.
- Nurse 2: This is harassment!
- Nurse 3: I'm sorry we're having BUN at your expense.
- Cranquis: I love working here.
As a humorous slide at the end of our male reproductive anatomy lecture, we all had a good laugh out of this one, especially after the dense and draining material of neuroanatomy of the previous week. It is a little low brow perhaps, but amusing.
The Industry has been looking for a generic name for Viagra.
After consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced the generic name of mycoxafloppin. Also considered were mycoxafailin, mydixadrupin, mydixarizin, mydixadud, dixafix, and of course ibepokin.
Pfizer Inc. recently indicated that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form and be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. Pepsi’s ad campaign claims it will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink. This additive gives new meaning to the names of cocktails, highballs and just a good old fashioned stiff drink. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of Mount & Do.
THE PUNS! ALL THE PUNS!!
The Defibrillator Toaster
My mom would be so annoyed… every morning I would run into the kitchen screaming “WE’RE LOSING THEM!!! BEEP BEEP BEEPBEEPBEEP!”
“DON’T YOU DIE ON ME, DAMNIT!!! NURSE, WE NEED 12 CC’S OF CREAM CHEESE, STAT!!!”
He’s bread, Jim.
Time of deliciousness: 7:15 A.M
If we don’t restart his heart , he’s toast!
JESUS CRUST.
JAM IT!
“Daddy’s in a butter place now, kids.”
omfg
Want!
Reblogging for the puns.
(via klbyrd)
This ^^ refers to this conversation, which refers to THIS.
The CSI Miami reference made me laugh so hard I almost choked on my Thin Mint. ALMOST.
madladyrandom submitted:
Today I was pondering the wide variety of unpleasant sensations I’m experiencing in my right arm due to shingles. Not too surprising, since the reactivated varicella-zoster virus is actually messing around in my neurons. Then it struck me—having shingles really gets on my nerves! Ha!
For some reason, thinking up a terrible medical pun reminded me of you.
“A terrible pun reminded me of you”… Write that down, Mrs. Cranquis, it would look awesome on my tombstone. :S
- Cranquis' PA: Hey did you see the typo on the chief complaint for the patient that just signed in?
- Cranquis: No.
- PA *reading from computer screen*: Right-side abdominal pain pain.
- Cranquis: Wow! He must be doubled over.
- PA: *punches self in face to escape the pain of that terrible joke*
captain-nitrogen replied to your post: Medically-Correct Nursery Rhymes: Humpty-Dumpty
Ah, but where in the nursery rhyme does it say Humpty Dumpty was an egg? :p
baffledinbrooklyn replied to your post: Medically-Correct Nursery Rhymes: Humpty-Dumpty
Very scathing commentary on surgeons. It goes right the source of the problem with surgeons. If it doesn’t involve a scalpel, they’re clueless. It’s not that hard. 1. Put stuff in egg. 2. Glue egg shut. Aside from that, I have it on good authority the kings men were…
*MESSAGE ENDS HERE* Unfortunately, this reply sounds a bit scrambled, because a group of angry surgeons poached Dr. Baffledinbrooklyn away from the computer and whisked him off to OR for “emergency egghead craniotomy”. XD
(I crack me up).
Anyways — I need more nursery-rhyme choices for future parodies. Any suggestions?
Humpty-Dumpty sat on a wall.
Humpty-Dumpty had a great fall.
All the King’s horses and all the King’s men
Couldn’t put Humpty-Dumpty together again.
Probably because horses make lousy surgeons, due to their faulty fine-motor skills and lack of opposable thumbs.
Plus the King’s men had never heard of a sentient egg, so they must’ve assumed that the gelatinous smear of protein with fragments of crystalized calcium carbonate was just a practical yolk.
For your birthday, we passed around a hat and took up a collection.
We hope you’ll appreciate this sample of our European culture.
Take care not to let it dribble out, because it’s very special: It’s Foley Water!
myplaygroundmind replied to your post: TSK: I say “Potato”, you say “Witchcraft”
These Filipinos and their voodoo. I’m studying Nursing here in the Philippines and I hear about this kind of stuff all the time. They are so superstitious. This made ma laugh. Thanks :-)
katisconfused replied to your post: TSK: I say “Potato”, you say “Witchcraft”
You should always take your full course of antibiotics for your vengeance curse. Wait, if she thinks it is a curse why is she seeing you and not a voodoo medicine person?
imaginaryhowlings replied to your post: TSK: I say “Potato”, you say “Witchcraft”
Yeah, it’s just MRSA… *eyeroll* it’s not like it’s highly contagious and potentially lethal in some cases…
anjj replied to your post: TSK: I say “Potato”, you say “Witchcraft”
I saw the comment of another user. Not all Filipinos are superstitious. And I’m a Filipino, that’s why I’m probably a little defensive. But still!
russellhammond replied to your post: TSK: I say “Potato”, you say “Witchcraft”
Instead of laughing at people with these beliefs, or rolling your eyes at them, why don’t you find ways to relate to them and explain the issue (and how to resolve it) in ways that they will understand and believe?
Just a couple comments about all the comments:
- Nowhere in that post do I say the patient IS Filipino, only that the boils started “when she was in the Philippines”.
- The patient is actually a 40-something Caucasian female.
- I did explain MRSA to this patient, and there was no eye-rolling by me in her presence. By the end of the visit, she still felt that the boils were a curse, but she understood that a bacteria was carrying out the effects of the curse.
- At the end of the visit, the patient did mention something about “You seem so smart, much smarter than those healer people”. I didn’t pursue this intriguing conversational tidbit, but I shudder to think what it implies.
So, two lessons to learn from this, readers:
- Be careful what assumptions you make, in the process of accusing me of making assumptions or acting in a stereotypical manner. My stories are written to emphasize the humor, not to provide a complete retelling of the entire visit.
- I reserve the right to eye-roll online at ANYTHING my patients do which is funny, silly, dumb, or downright dangerous. If you are someone who doesn’t enjoy this perspective on medicine, perhaps this blog is not for you. :)
- Cranquis: Well I think little Emily's pinkeye will be just fine in a couple days. Do you folks have any questions for me?
- Father: Yes, uh, we're looking for a new pediatrician, and you're really good with kids, so I was wondering, do you have patients of your own?
- Cranquis: No, I'm very impatient. *wink*
- Mother: *cracks up laughing*
scillachu submitted
I finished! :) it was like reading a book of hilarious rants and stories :) thank you!
Over the past week, I have watched a legion of “likes” slowly traveling through my archives, all from one reader. Scillachu set out to read every Cranquis blog post over her holiday break, and apparently just finished.
And so, 2062 posts later, and as promised: Scillachu, I now officially dub thee Scillachu, Archive Surfer First-Class and Keeper of the Golden Reflex Hammer “My Ol’ Kneer”. Thanks for spending your holiday with me. :)
ladyofthehouse replied to your chat: TSK: Dr. Cranquis pushes his nurse’s buttons.
I thoroughly support this “treatment.”
“Yes, folks, it’s Cerumen Transplantation(tm), the breakthrough treatment invented by Dr. Cranquis, and recently mentioned in the best-selling holiday novel by TLOTH: Do You Ear what I Ear?” :)
