Dr. Cranquis' Mumbled Gripes
(Disclaimer: Questions related to medical topics will be answered to the best of Dr. Cranquis' (and Google's) knowledge, but the internet-delivered wisdom on this blog CAN NOT AND SHOULD NOT SUBSTITUTE for your Real-Life Doctor's personal attention + examination, and your own common sense too! If you think you're having a medical emergency, hang up and go email 911. The author of this blog takes no responsibility for any medical, relationship, scholastic, financial, or other decisions you may make based on information found in this blog.)
ATTENTION FEMALES OF THE WORLD:
You know those over-the-counter home pregnancy tests? Those little sticks you pee on when you miss a period? Well guess what? Those are the exact same tests* that we use to test your pee when you come bustling into the Urgent Care, demanding a “more accurate” pregnancy test to “confirm” the 2-8 tests you’ve already done at home.
*Only difference is, we get to bill you/your insurance exorbitant amounts of money for the test supply and performance. Yay.
And don’t get me started on the “But, but, but I want a BLOOD pregnancy test!” blather. Yes, there is such a thing (it’s called a serum HCG test), but the only medically-useful one is the Quantitative HCG (which is used to determine HOW MUCH pregnancy hormone is in a pregnant woman, especially in cases of suspected miscarriage or ectopic pregnancy). The Qualitative HCG (“Yes” or “No”) is no more accurate than the urine HCG test that you already used — although it can be useful in situations where the urine HCG test is “inconclusive”.
TRANSLATION: YOU DO PEE TEST AT HOME, IT SAY “YES” OR “NO” PREGGO, YOU NO WASTE YOU MONEY AND MY TIME WITH SAME TEST IN CLINIC.
It’s toxicodendron (“poison-plant” — ivy, oak, sumac, etc.) season here in the US! There’s lots of things you can do to help calm the itching, oozing, and blistering if you get exposed to those nasties, but here’s one thing you SHOULDN’T do: do not use a topical cream containing antihistamines (such as Benadryl or Caladryl) on a rash caused by a poison plant.
Why? When your skin is rashed from a contact dermatitis (allergic reaction to something touching your skin, such as poison ivy), the skin becomes hypersensitive. And unfortunately, in many people, putting antihistamine cream on hypersensitive skin can trigger more local skin inflammation and damage (translation: “YOU SKIN ALREADY BAD, YOU PUT BENADRYL CREAM TO MAKE LESS BAD, SKIN GET MUCH MORE BAD!”). This can actually increase your risk of getting a bacterial infection in your poison ivy rash (ooh, fun!).
cranquis replied to your post: wordsthatididntsay replied to your post:…
There ya go — you’re a TOAD now. :)
I need to go medical school STAT just so I can use that picture
Well I don’t see why this (obviously cool and super-elite) group couldn’t be called the TOADS: “Tumblr Organization of Anonymous Doctors (and also medical) Students”? Just need a better picture for the concept. *crappy photoshop powers ACTIVATE*
If that category applies to your Tumblr, congratulations: You’re a TOAD. :) Heck, it could even apply to pre-med blogs — I’m not picky.
“Like a bomb went off. ” That’s the only way that I can describe what we saw next. Patients were coming into the ED in droves. It was absolute, utter chaos. They were limping, bleeding, crying, terrified, with debris and glass sticking out of them, just thankful to be alive. The floor was covered with about 3 inches of water, there was no power, not even backup generators, rendering it completely dark and eerie in the ED. The frightening aroma of methane gas leaking from the broken gas lines permeated the air; we knew, but did not dare mention aloud, what that meant. I redoubled my pace.
This is chilling, thrilling, and just WOW.
Reblogging this on the 1-year anniversary of the Joplin tornadoes. The piece is still goose-bump inducing. Thankfully, the people of Joplin have recovered amazingly well from this tragedy.
A long-suffering mother of 2 rambunctious toddlers, in reply to the bizarre looks I kept casting at her pink-scrawled face. (Good for you, mom! I hope I can be that cool and playful with my kids.)
(Self-reblogged on Mother’s Day, in honor of all the Moms who get down and dirty with their little rascals. You ladies are awesome!)
You know, ma’am, if you register at the front desk with “dizziness/light-headed/cannot swallow/trouble breathing”, my nurse is going to come scampering out to check on you right away.
But if you can’t stop talking and laughing on your cell phone, and actually hold up your hand commanding my nurse to stop talking until you’re done chatting, we’re probably just going to put your chart back in the queue to wait your turn like everyone else.
Just sayin’.
- Cranquis: Ok, there's the tick I pulled out from your scalp, Burgdorf!
- 5-year-old Burgdorf: WOW LOOK AT IT THAT IS HUGE!
- Cranquis: Yeah, I suppose so.
- Burgdorf: IF YOU DIDN'T PULL IT OFF, WOULD IT GET BIGGER?
- Cranquis: Yes, it could get a bit bigger.
- Burgdorf: HOW BIG?
- Cranquis *drawing a spot the size of a raisin on the exam-table paper*: About like that.
- Burgdorf *obviously disappointed*: OH. WOULDN'T IT BE COOL IF IT WOULD GET LIKE THIS BIG *indicates size of a beach ball* AND I'D BE WALKING AROUND WITH THIS HUGE BUG HANGING OFF OF MY HEAD?
- Cranquis: Buddy, if you walked in here with a tick that big on your head, I'd run right through that wall screaming all the way.
- Cranquis: Ok, sir, let's examine your painful testicle.
- 20-something male patient *obviously embarrassed, stands there delaying without pulling pants down*: Ohhh-kay. Not really looking forward to this.
- Cranquis: Well, I don't know about YOU, but this is the only reason *I* came to work this morning.
- Patient: HA! Ok, thanks for easing the tension, doc. Let's get this over with.
Thanks to Josh Hutton for sharing this on the Cranquis Facebook Fan Page!
I’ve seen one of these in real-life before — I had an attending who would carry it in his pocket, and when he’d run into a new nurse, he’d whisper loudly “I brought in a stool sample today, would you mind taking a look at it?” and then toss the cup into his/her palm and watch for the reaction. Tee hee!
- Kathy (the shy and timid nurse): oh wow you guys should've heard the divorced couple arguing in the waiting room just now, it was really bad!
- Cathy (the brash loud nurse): WHAT HAPPENED?
- Kathy: the husband was screaming at her that she never lets him see the kids and was swearing really bad, he had a real potty mouth.
- Cathy: LIKE WHAT? WHAT DID HE SAY?
- Kathy: well he called her an F'ing C.
- Cathy (intentionally teasing): WHAT? WHAT'S THAT MEAN?
- Kathy: you know, the F word and the C word. F'ing C.
- Cathy: SO WHAT, FRENCH CANADIAN?
- Kathy: no no no.
- Cranquis (piping in): Fish 'n' Chips?
- Cathy: FEELING CRAZY?
- Kathy: no no no! you guys, don't make me say it!
It’s gonna be that kind of a shift.
The kind where the first patient is a guy with “back pain for one year” (a real eye-roller of a diagnosis in an URGENT CARE setting)…
But who turns out to have back pain from prostatitis, a diagnosis that 3 prior doctors and a physical therapist had not figured out! Hopefully a few weeks of antibiotics will cure or improve his pain.
So it’s gonna be that kind of a shift — the kind where my attention to detail on a bread-and-butter case can bring relief and hope to a fellow with chronic pain. SWEET!
- Patient *crying*: I have a terrible headache.
- Cranquis' Inner Monologue (C.I.M.): Uh-oh, I may have to send this woman to the ER.
- Patient: I've had headaches before but this one is different.
- C.I.M.: Oh boy, she's saying all the right words.
- Patient: It's the worst headache of my life!
- C.I.M.: Welp, that settles that, gonna go call the ambulance.
- Patient: It feels worse than the headache I had last year, which turned out to be a brain aneurysm.
- C.I.M.: Eep! Hurry up, ambulance!
- Patient: I've had this headache for 3 days already.
- C.I.M.: Bwuh?!
- Patient: The neurologist told me to go to the ER when I called him 2 days ago, but I didn't.
- C.I.M.: Oh this is just AWESOME.
- Patient: But I got really worried when my tongue started going numb this morning.
- C.I.M.: FOR THE LOVE OF WILLIS WHERE IS THAT AMBULANCE ALREADY??!
- Cranquis *entering room, vaguely recognizing teenaged female patient*: Hi, I'm Dr. Cranquis, I've seen you before haven't I?
- 16-year-old Jenny: Yes, I think so.
- Jenny's mom: Oh yes you definitely have, you treated her about 3 years ago, I remember you very well.
- Cranquis: Wow, after 3 years? Well, I hope that's because I gave you good service.
- Mom: No, I just remember your beautiful eyes.
- Jenny *mortified*: MOM!!!
- Cranquis: Soooo, Jenny, how can I help you today?
Pharmacist just called — THEY RAN OUT OF AMOXICILLIN LIQUID.
