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Dr. Cranquis' Mumbled Gripes

I'm an American physician who works in an Urgent Care clinic. I see lots of stupid or funny things that people do with-and-to their health. I cope by mumbling under my breath (and then posting about it on this pseudonymous blog). Thought you might be interested.

(Disclaimer: Questions related to medical topics will be answered to the best of Dr. Cranquis' (and Google's) knowledge, but the internet-delivered wisdom on this blog CAN NOT AND SHOULD NOT SUBSTITUTE for your Real-Life Doctor's personal attention + examination, and your own common sense too! If you think you're having a medical emergency, hang up and go email 911. The author of this blog takes no responsibility for any medical, relationship, scholastic, financial, or other decisions you may make based on information found in this blog.)

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Posts tagged "patients"
I remember being so scared of seeing patients once because I felt like I was only a doctor on paper. I felt like a fraud, thinking, ‘These people do not want my care. What could I do for them?’ But then one day it will all sink in. You will realize that the body is just a giant machine and when something break, it manifests in predictable ways. Once you recognize those patterns, you will feel more comfortable doing what you need to do.
A doctor reassures me about overcoming the anxiety of taking on more responsibility in a patient’s care. (via medicalstate)
  • Doctor: So, do you have any drug allergies
  • Patient: Yeah! I'm allergic to NSAIDS
  • Doctor: Okay and what happens when you take them
  • Patient: I die.
  • Doctor: Really now......but I see you say you're taking Naproxen... that's an NSAID
  • Patient: No it's not! You should really look things up on the internet before you think you know things!
  • Doctor: Oh HELL NO
  • *Doctor storms out of the room and walks back in with a bottle of Aleve and hands it to the patient*
  • Doctor: What does it say on the side of the bottle, ma'am?
  • Patient: Aleve is an NSAID....................
  • Doctor: And I didn't even have to wikipedia that.
  • ~Cranquis: wants to high-five this doctor!

You know, ma’am, if you register at the front desk with “dizziness/light-headed/cannot swallow/trouble breathing”, my nurse is going to come scampering out to check on you right away.

But if you can’t stop talking and laughing on your cell phone, and actually hold up your hand commanding my nurse to stop talking until you’re done chatting, we’re probably just going to put your chart back in the queue to wait your turn like everyone else.

Just sayin’.

The redness continued to expand over two days, so the patient took a knife and stuck it into the red area, with poor response to this intervention.
Overheard, my colleague dictating a visit note — he had to stop dictating for a while at this point, because we were all laughing too loud at this masterful understatement.

Some of the saddest cases I’ve seen in my career are patients with sudden catastrophic illness or trauma for whom their families are expected to make health-care decisions — and the families don’t know what the unconscious/critically-ill patient would want. Families are torn apart, arguing over whether to continue all life-prolonging interventions, vs focusing on keeping the patient comfortable.

You may think you’re too young and healthy to need an Advance Directive, but massive trauma or overwhelming infection can happen to anyone. Do your family a favor and check out this website, which provides the simplest End of Life Wishes discussion guide I’ve ever seen, and includes links for creating an Advance Directive. Use it, and pass it on!

  • Cranquis *noticing book in patient's lap while examining patient's foot*: Oh, is that Wolves of the Calla by Stephen King?
  • 25-year-old MALE patient: Oh yeah.
  • Cranquis: I love the Dark Tower series! Have you read the previous 4 books in the series already?
  • Patient: No, I just started on this one.(?!)
  • Cranquis: Oh. Well you should probably read the other ones first, it'll be worth it in Book 7.
  • Patient: Oh, so the series is really good huh?
  • Cranquis: Oh yes, it's the best series I've ever read.
  • Patient: Well we'll see, cuz I really liked Twilight, and that's the best series ever. (?!)
  • Cranquis *accepting that this is a pointless conversation*: Ok, I'll send the nurse with your prescription.
  • Time: 5 minutes pass, and then Cranquis hears the patient coming down the hall by the workstation.
  • Cranquis: Ok, have a good day sir!
  • Patient: Oh, uh, I was wondering, about that series, do you have all the books in the series?
  • Cranquis: Yep.
  • Patient: Can I borrow them?(??!!!?)
  • Cranquis *trying to think of how to politely say "HELL NO YOU TWIHARD!"*: Uh...
  • Patient: I mean, I know you don't know me or anything, but...
  • Cranquis *thinking of how many of his personal FRIENDS he won't lend books to because they don't treat them well*: I know the local library has them.
  • Patient: Oh, yeah! Ok, goodbye.
  • Greatest ER Nurse in the Universe: So you want an excuse note for work for yesterday, sir?
  • Patient: Yeah, cuz I was in the ER yesterday and forgot to get one.
  • GNU: Um, I can't find any record that you were in our ER yesterday. Or EVER before, actually.
  • Patient: Oh, no, not THIS ER. I was traveling, and I went to an ER in another state yesterday. But I forgot to get a work note, so I figured I'd just swing by and get one from you guys.
  • GNU: It doesn't work that way, sir. If we didn't see you as a patient, we can't write you an excuse note.
  • Patient: But -- but I saw an EMERGENCY ROOM doctor!
  • GNU: In some other state and/or hospital that doesn't share our medical records system.
  • Patient: Well, couldn't you call that ER and verify my story?
  • GNU: Couldn't YOU just call that ER and ask them to send an excuse note to your work, rather than wasting your time and mine in this pointless argument?
  • Patient: Man, the service SUCKS around here. *stomps out*
  • GNU: Y'all come back now, ya hear?

aspiringdoctors:

New York Times op-ed article.

“…As the aging baby boom generation places unprecedented demands on the health care system, there is little ordinary citizens can do — witness the tortuous arguments in the Supreme Court this week over the constitutionality of the Affordable Care Act — to influence either the cost or the quality of the treatment they receive. However, end-of-life planning is one of the few actions within the power of individuals who wish to help themselves and their society. Too few Americans are shouldering this responsibility.

Of course many people want more aggressive treatment than my mother. And advance directives aren’t “death panels”; they can also be used to ensure the deployment of every tool of modern medicine. They can be changed or withdrawn at any time by a mentally competent person.

But public opinion polls consistently show that most Americans, like my mother, worry about too much rather than too little medical intervention. In a Pew Research Center poll released in 2006, only 22 percent said a doctor should always try to save a patient’s life, while 70 percent believed that patients should sometimes be allowed to die. More than half said they would tell their doctor to end treatment if they were in great pain with no hope of improvement.

Yet only 69 percent had discussed end-of-life care with a spouse; just 17 percent, or 40 percent of those over 65, had done so with their children. One-third of Americans had a living will and even fewer have taken the more legally enforceable measure of appointing a health care proxy to act on their behalf if they cannot act for themselves.

The latter omission is especially disturbing because by 2030, more than 8.5 million Americans will be over 85 — an age at which roughly half will suffer from Alzheimer’s disease or some other form of irreversible dementia. For many members of the baby boom generation — more likely to be divorced and childless than their parents — there may be no legal next of kin.

Without advance directives, even a loving child may be ignorant of her parent’s wishes. My mother remained conscious and in charge of her care until just a few days before she died, but like most women over 85, she was a widow. My younger brother died of pancreatic cancer two weeks before she did. It was an immense comfort to me, at a terrible time, to have no doubts about what she wanted.

My mother drew up her directives in the 1980s, when she was a volunteer in the critical care lounge of her local hospital. She once watched, appalled, as an adult daughter threw a coffeepot at her brother for suggesting that their comatose mother’s respirator be turned off. Because the siblings could not agree and the patient had no living will, she was kept hooked up to machines for another two weeks at a cost (then) of nearly $80,000 to Medicare and $20,000 to her family — even though her doctors agreed there was no hope…”

UNINSURED W/ STOMACH PAIN… AND MORE!

I have abdominal pain that started out as a dull throb/stab and then progressed to feeling like I was being stabbed, all in one specific point an inch to the right of my bellybutton. I don’t have a fever (in fact every thermometer tends to say I run from 96.9 - 97.4) and it’s not appendicitis. I saw a doctor and was told by 5 different doctors/nurses to try TUMS although I already had and the pain was not in my stomach. Now, it’s at 4-5 specific points in my abdomen… an inch to the right of the bellybutton, half an inch each to the left and above the bellybutton, and one near the rib under each breast. Sometimes in the middle of my abdomen above the belly button I will get the same pain. It doesn’t seem sensitive to any specfic food or anything, and coincides with and without gas, diarrhea and constipation and poop of every color, consistency, volume, and density…it seems random but it does get worse with stress, and all happen together. Along with this, I have the same feeling (that I am being stabbed) in some of my joints, usually coinciding with the abdominal pain. I also get hives pretty badly on my inner side elbow, all of these symptoms get worse with stress. A really hot rice bag can numb the pain a little bit but nothing really helps. I have tried gluten free, dairy free, liquid diets, and fasting altogether…nothing helps. Even water seems to make me feel like someone is shredding my intestines with a tiny cheese grater. I have also been getting VERY lightheaded, especially if I stand up too fast but it also happens sometimes even when I have been standing for a while. I’m 21 and never have had a blood sugar or blood pressure problem. Finally, my hands flush red (especially at the joints/knucles) sometimes, especially if I exercise. Exercise also makes my hives worse. These symptoms have all developed over the years but I may have had joint/muscle pain before and attributed to my being significantly overweight, which I am not anymore. There is no fever, loss of appetite, and rarely nausea.

I am uninsured and working on getting a doctor to see me but I am scared I will be brushed off again. Do you have any idea of what I should ask a doctor to look for or tests I should try to get? I only had the abdominal pain when I went to the doctor. OR… what do I do if I am brushed off again without making doctors hate me or think I’m a “Googler” who thinks I am better than them? (I know you hate two-for-ones so please just answer the one you think is most relevant/informative, thank you!)

Whew. That’s a lot of symptoms to worry about, All Stressed Up and No Place to Go! I went ahead and bolded the symptoms and most-important related facts, just to help me keep track of it all.

My biggest piece of advice to you would be: you need to see a doctor, but not just an ER or Urgent Care doctor. You need a primary-care physician (family medicine or internal medicine) who will be your main doctor through whatever further studies/consults may lay ahead for you. You have symptoms which could indicate MANY different causes, but if you just go bouncing from specialist to specialist without a primary doc to keep a “birds’-eye view” on everything, you might just end up more confused than ever.

What kinds of causes? Here’s some guesses about possible causes for some of the various combinations of symptoms (keeping in mind that it’s possible you could have more than one cause):

  • Allergic: hives, flushing of hands, intermittent stomach pains (without changes in bowel movements)
  • Rheumatologic: joints, skin, GI and blood-pressure (?light-headed?) symptoms — plus loss of weight (which you haven’t specified if it was intentional or not) —
  • Psychiatric: stress-related stomach and dizziness — anxiety?
  • Gastrointestinal: stomach pains + weight loss + joint pains — celiac disease, inflammatory bowel disorders like Crohn’s?
  • Endocrine: skin and joints, light-headed, stomach pains — thyroid?

So that’s for starters. With as many new symptoms as you’ve developed, I think most primary-care docs would do a bit of exploring at this point — but just in case, I present to you “BEHIND THE MEDIC: Tips on how to make a doctor become interested in actually addressing all of your symptoms”:

  • Make a concise, coherent list of your symptoms with a basic timeline + factors which make them feel better/worse, and take that to your appointment. 
  • Number the symptoms in order of priority — in other words, if the doc doesn’t have time to address all the symptoms at the first visit, what would you like to explore first?
  • At the first visit, tell the doc: “I know we’re just meeting each other, so you may not have time to answer all my questions and explore all of my symptoms right away, but here is a list of my concerns. I don’t know if they’re all related, but they’ve all shown up in the past [X amount of time] and I’m very concerned about what is causing them and what to do about it.”
  • If the doc appears affronted at you (the cash-paying patient) being organized and trying to save the doc’s time (and your money) by developing a game-plan from the start, then take your money elsewhere and try again!
  • Take notes of the doc’s instructions during the visit, and keep a basic diary of how you follow those instructions between visits.
  • If the doc takes you seriously, but the exploration of your symptoms appears to stall out after a couple visits, inquire politely about getting a second opinion from whatever specialist the doc feels most appropriate.

It takes quite a bit of work on your part, but it will set you apart as a serious patient with legitimate concerns in the midst of the doc’s busy schedule. Good luck to you!

***Pending Cranquis-Mails: 8; Inbox: Closed***

  • Cranquis: Now then, Ms. Gina, according to your chart, your doctor's office has been telling you to go to the ER to evaluate your chest pain. In fact, they told you every day for the past 3 days. So why did you decide to come in to the Urgent Care instead?
  • Ann Gina: Well I don't think it's anything with my heart, I think it's bronchitis.
  • Cranquis: Oh, I see. So you have a cough?
  • Ann Gina: No.
  • Cranquis: Any fever?
  • Ann Gina: No.
  • Cranquis: Have you been congested, stuffy, achy, wheezy, sinusy, or any other symptoms that usually show up with bronchitis?
  • Ann Gina: Noooo.
  • Cranquis: Well that's the most bizarre case of bronchitis I've ever heard of!

Doctor experiences first-hand the useful side of consulting Dr. Google.

Cranquis: Well that tiny slightly-tender scabbed area in your groin, which is “already much smaller than it was yesterday”, looks like an ingrown hair to me, sir.

30-something Male Patient: No, I disagree.

Cranquis: What do you think it is?

Patient: Syphilis.

Cranquis: Um, you said it only shows up after you shave your groin hair, about once every 6 months, and then goes away after 2 days. That doesn’t sound like any syphilis chancre I’ve ever heard of.

Patient: No, I looked it up online, and I think it’s syphilis. Plus I’ve noticed that my brain doesn’t work well sometimes, and that happens with syphilis too, right?

Cranquis (ignoring that too-easy opportunity for a sarcastic comment a la House): So you’re saying you have a syphilis chancre that goes away 2 days after it shows up, without any medication?

Patient: Well, I have a strong immune system, so I probably cure it on my own.

Cranquis (struggling not to cry or laugh at this point): Ok, let’s cut to the chase — did you just come in to get tested for syphilis today? Because I’m happy to order that lab test.

Patient: Oh, I don’t know, how much does that test cost? Cuz I can get tested online for $80 and I don’t have health insurance.

Cranquis:  Way more than $80.

Patient: I’ll just come back some other time.

Cranquis: I’m so glad I could help you today.

When the weather is absolutely atrocious, with wind gusts and torrential downpours and poor driving conditions, there’s no way I’d rather spend my day than by visiting Dr. Cranquis’ Urgent Care! In fact, the only weather BETTER for visiting Dr. Cranquis’ Urgent Care is when the weather is absolutely and unseasonably gorgeous and I should be sitting outdoors in the sunshine instead of in a waiting room.

EVERY PATIENT EVER.

This article reminds me of a situation when a patient’s primary care physician (PCP) and myself colluded to not tell a patient about a suspicious x-ray finding — for a little while.

Behind the Medic: The TSK of when Cranquis Paternalized a Patient.

I’d seen 50-something “Bob” in the urgent care, and he was in bad shape. As far as I could tell, his stomach pains and nausea were due to gastritis, secondary to a mixture of excess NSAID use for his chronic pain + his recent resumption of a heavy alcohol habit (He was back to drinking a fifth of vodka every night, after being sober for 3 months — “There’s so much stress in my life right now, doc. My mom and I have been fighting, and I couldn’t stay sober and deal with the stress.”). The only reason I did a chest xray as part of his workup was because his lung-sounds were suspicious for fluid around the lung bases (a possible secondary effect of “abdominal ascites,” fluid collecting in the abdomen after liver failure).

The labs and xrays looked ok for him to go home instead of being admitted to the hospital, and he was happy about this because he didn’t have health insurance and was already stressing about the cost of that day’s Urgent Care visit. But I arranged for him to see his PCP early next week, and admonished him to start cutting back on his alcohol in preparation for getting off the sauce again. He said all the right things: “I’ll go to AA tomorrow morning, my brother will drive me home and stay with me for a couple days,” but it was hard for me to take him seriously. After all, I’d felt the metal flask in his cargo-pants pocket while I was examining his stomach.

The radiologist’s report came in the next morning: “Chest film shows a small irregularly-shaped density in right lower lobe, concerning for soft-tissue malignancy vs overlying chest-wall abnormality, cannot rule out old rib fractures in this area.” 

Oh great. What am I supposed to do now? Follow my usual routine — call the patient, inform them of an irregular finding on the chest xray, and arrange for ASAP follow-up with their PCP? This would just give Bob even MORE stress, which would shoot down any attempts he might be currently making to cut back on the alcohol use.

When I spoke with his PCP about the situation, he agreed with my hesitancy: “Bob’s anxiety and alcoholism can’t handle this extra piece of stressful news right now. I’ll call and remind him to keep the appointment on Monday, and break the news to him then and order a chest CT.” I felt relieved that Bob’s PCP was going to take over and handle it, but I felt a little dishonest at not notifying the patient of his results myself immediately, as I usually do with any tests that I order. But there was more at stake here than just “being transparent and honest” and “upholding the patient’s autonomy.”

Were his PCP and I being paternalistic? Yeah, a bit — but I hope that it was in the best sense of “behaving as a father”: making a hard decision on his behalf, a decision which would protect him from carrying increased (and out-of-his-control) stress during a difficult moment in his life. Bob was hurting, and he was striving to hide the hurt in a way which was killing him. He couldn’t even turn to his mother for peace, since she was one of the major causes of his stress. What he really needed was a Father, but the best I could offer him was my own fatherly instinct.

(Note: The chest CT came out clean, but as of Bob’s most-recent visit with his PCP, he’s still drinking.)

ilovehotcoffee:

says: “One of several things could cause your symptoms.”
means: “I haven’t the foggiest idea what’s wrong with you.”

says: “Are you certain you haven’t had this before?”
means: “Because now you’ve got it again.”

says: “I’d like to run that last test over.”
means: “The lab lost your sample.”

says: “This prescription has a few side effects.”
means: “You may experience sudden hair growth on your palms.”

says: “Your insurance should cover most of this.”
means: “You’ll have to sell your house to cover the rest.”