Dr. Cranquis' Mumbled Gripes
(Disclaimer: Questions related to medical topics will be answered to the best of Dr. Cranquis' (and Google's) knowledge, but the internet-delivered wisdom on this blog CAN NOT AND SHOULD NOT SUBSTITUTE for your Real-Life Doctor's personal attention + examination, and your own common sense too! If you think you're having a medical emergency, hang up and go email 911. The author of this blog takes no responsibility for any medical, relationship, scholastic, financial, or other decisions you may make based on information found in this blog.)
And since people seem to be a bit confused about this: any "real-sounding" patients names are just horrible puns, and not HIPAA violations.
Hey, guess why this patient’s ears have been ringing?
(“Yes sir, I agree that heavy metal sounds bests when you really crank it up. However…”)
…is to post a zombie-parody of the lyrics to The Christmas Song on my other blog.
But Tumblr isn’t working.
BAH HUMBUG.
Problem solved, apparently. Song posted. Merry Christmas. :)
The Twelve Days of Cranqmas - The Really Good Pot Roast & Dr. Cranquis
Hannukah is over, and Christmas is around the corner. But forget all of that. Today is CRANQMAS DAY!
The Twelve Days of Cranqmas is a collaboration between The Really Good Pot Roast, the ever festive Dr. Cranquis, and a host of Cranquistadors! It’s also the first track on the new Really Good Pot Roast holiday EP ‘A Really Good Holiday’!
Download ‘A REALLY GOOD HOLIDAY’ from Bandcamp, including Christmas Dinner and The Twelve Days of Cranqmas, for FREE! Click here, people! Download the whole EP for FREE and get a copy of the liner notes with all the lyrics, a glossary of terms, thanks yous to the Cranquistadors, and a special note from Dr. Cranquis! AND IT’S FREE!
In the spirit of the season, this EP our gift to you.
Happy Holidays,
-Rob and Mark, The Really Good Pot Roast
Time to slop a ladle of egg-nog into a (clean) emesis basin and listen to some Cranqmas music. Enjoy, Cranquistadors!
Another clever Christmas-song parody by the Cranquistador Poet Laureate Confessions-of-a-Redhead. This one gets a bit dark, but… hey, Merry Cranqmas!!
Cranquis, The Clinic Doctor
(Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer)
You know Wife of a Doc Star and Wayfaring MD,
The Not Quite Doctor and Jay Parkinson MD
But do you recall the most famous tumblr doctor of all?…
Another clever Christmas-song parody by the Cranquistador Poet Laureate Confessions-of-a-Redhead. Enjoy!
Cranquis Claus is Coming to Town
(I don’t have to tell you what carol this is!)
You better watch out
You better not cry
You better not sign in all of your kids
I’m telling you why
Cranquis Claus is coming to town
He’s making a list
Checking it thrice
He’s going to find out if you’re telling lies
Cranquis Claus is coming to town
He sees you in the clinic
He knows if you’re a fake
He knows if you just want an excuse
But he’ll write it anyway
So you better be smart
You better be nice
Or you will end up on his blog once or twice
Cranquis Claus is coming to town!
- Colleague: So what was Mr. Mohlar's excuse for not going to the dentist's office about his rotten teeth ~THIS~ time?
- Cranquis: Oh same as the last two visits -- 'his car still isn't working', and he needs more Percocet for the pain.
- Colleague: Maybe we should all pitch in for a taxi ride.
- Cranquis: Well the woman who always drives him over here was in the exam room today, so I told her that 'All he wants for Christmas is your car's front seat... for a ride to the dentist.'
- Colleague: Haha! Did they get the pun?
- Cranquis: Not a chance -- just a pair of gap-toothed blank stares.
Just saw this glorious poem that one of my classmates posted on our facebook group the night before the neuro final.
I wish I could double like things on facebook sometimes.
Also, here is a haiku I wrote on my neuro practical exam during rest stops (I have to nervously sketch or write notes and poems or else I change all my answers):
Taking this exam
Hoping an aneurysm
Will finish me off
Rudolph the Red-Nosed alcoholic,
Had a very shiny nose,
Which was due to dilation of the nasal capillaries…
(Eh, I’m not very good at this — not as good as the other poets above!)
(via themedicalchronicles)
Looking for that perfect gift this season?
Consider Nurse Barbie – a crankier, more sleep-deprived version of Mattel’s classic Barbie. This doll is designed for young children who dream of becoming a nurse (or even for current nursing students!) who don’t yet understand the daunting reality of the real world. After just one day of play with Nurse Barbie, your child will never again consider this profession.
Nurse Barbie is not only adorable with her messy pony tail, poo-stained scrubs (don’t worry the poo is only on her sleeve and not real! It is, however, completely impossible to remove) and…
I was gonna make a sarcastic comment about the “Doctor Ken gets paid more but does less work” line — but I’m nervous that Nurse Barbie might retaliate with her Spring-Loaded Foley-Catheter-Placement Action.
(Funny “advertisement”. Go read it!)
A Really Good Holiday EP from The Really Good Pot Roast
Featuring The Twelve Days of Cranqmas, Co-written by Dr. Cranquis and the Cranquistadors!
Coming soon…
Oh man, I had a BLAST brainstorming the song lyrics with the RGPR! And as an official Christmas Music Addict, I can’t wait to hear this entire album. :)
Ok, so I already love the Grandma Got Run Over Christmas song. It’s a holiday tradition in Casa de Cranquis to try to fool various relatives into believing that something terrible has happened to our real-life Grandma, with the punch line being this song.
But then my long-time Cranquistador Poet Laureate Confessions-of-a-Redhead (already a prolific submitter of poetry/parody for this blog) whipped together a delightful Cranqmas parody of the lyrics, riffing on this recent post about jinxes in the Urgent Care, and I fell in love with the original all over again! So please to enjoy you will!
A Nurse Got Ran Over By Dr. Cranquis
A nurse got ran over by Dr. Cranquis
When she left the UC Christmas Eve
You can say there’s no such thing as jinxes
But as for me and Cranquis, we believe
She’d been drinking too much coffee
And we begged her to shut up
But she actually said the Q word
And then she began to put her stuff up
That’s when ten patients walked inside
And they all signed in their spouse
One man even brought his grandma
Who wasn’t sick, but wanted out of the house
A nurse got ran over by Dr. Cranquis
When she left the UC Christmas Eve
You can say there’s no such thing as jinxes
But as for me and Cranquis, we believe
Now we’re all so proud of Cranquis
He stood and went right to work
He already saw four patients
And was nice even though the fifth one was a jerk
And the sixth one needed transport
Because he had some chest pain
But when Cranquis called the ambulance
The sixth patient signed himself out AMA
A nurse got ran over by Dr. Cranquis
When she left the UC Christmas Eve
You can say there’s no such thing as jinxes
But as for me and Cranquis, we believe
Then he saw the seventh patient
She said she had hurt her back
But upon examination
Dr. Cranquis knew she was a hypochondriac
That just left him three more patients
He thought he was in the clear
But they all had complications
Cranquis wondered if he would get home this year
A nurse got ran over by Dr. Cranquis
When she left the UC Christmas Eve
You can say there’s no such thing as jinxes
But as for me and Cranquis, we believe
The last three patients were transported
To the hospital by EMTs
It was five minutes until closing
And another patient came in to be seen.
That last patient was so easy
Cranquis got him out real fast
But that same nurse said the Q word
And that’s the moment when Dr. Cranquis attacked!
A nurse got ran over by Dr. Cranquis
When she left the UC Christmas Eve
You can say there’s no such thing as jinxes
But as for me and Cranquis, we believe
It’s Secret Santa time at my job, which I love. This year, my target person’s wishlist includes “Quilting”.
I KNOW NOTHING ABOUT THE QUILTING. So I need help!
I have a $10-15 price limit to work with. I want to get 1-2 quilting-related gifts for this person. What kind of small items would a “Quilter” like to receive? What items would they already have plenty of (meaning, don’t get them more of THAT)?
EDIT: Thank you to everyone with excellent suggestions! I decided on a bobbin holder (for practicality) and a magnetic wrist-band to hold pins (because it looks like a Huntress wrist-crossbow for retirees). :)
violenceandscience submitted:
Best holiday gift this year?
(Note: “Togetherness” is not an acceptable answer unless you find a way to incorporate some crazy elements into said answer such as a unicorn with a candy cane horn teaching a Rabbi how to speak Swahili just in time to write the message on J.C.’s birthday cake before the surprise is inevitably spoiled by an excitable party guest…Then and only then could say togetherness was the best holiday gift).
Well Familia Cranquis finally exchanged Christmas gifts last night (New Year’s Eve), since we only now got the whole family together from around the country. And the best holiday gift at the event this year was the wooden toy kitchen (with a bucketload of toy cooking utensils, pots, fake food, etc) that we gave to Baby Cranquis. He and his cousin were so enamored of the thing, that they actually stopped opening any more presents for the rest of the evening — we had to sit them down to open the remaining presents this morning.
And that was the best gift I received, too — watching those two toddlers, mouths agape and eyes wide, as they slowly realized that this “replica of grown-up stuff” was for THEM, and all the possibilities it contained. Yep, I’m a dad now.
(Oh, I got some board games too. Those are cool.) :)
- Greatest ER Nurse in the Universe: Ok, ma'am, the doctor wants me to fit you with a knee immobilizer. So I'm going to be strapping these 3 poles into place around your leg using this velcro device.
- Patient: Ok.
- GNU: (applying medial/in-seam pole, which runs all the way up into the patient's inguinal crease/crotch) Sorry, I know it's awkward to have this pole right there.
- Patient: Oh well, I did ask Santa for a pole between my legs this Christmas, but this wasn't what I had in mind.
- GNU: Guess you need to be more specific next year!
- No kissing under the mistletoe! That spreads swine flu and mouth herpes! Tentative fistbumps are ok, followed by immediate hand sanitizer from the pump-bottle hanging around your neck.
- Take a thermometer to Christmas dinner, to confirm proper serving temps for meat products.
- When standing in line to let your kid sit on Santa’s lap, use your time wisely — observe Santa for signs of influenza (surreptitious coughing, sucking on a lozenge, mucus stains on the sleeve). If positive, pull your kid out of line and go find a shower! (NOTE: Santa’s nose and cheeks are traditionally “red” from cheer/obesity/alcoholism, not from fever…but you can’t be too careful!)
- Salad tongs make excellent present-unwrapping tools. Autoclave after use.
- Airplane travel? ARE YOU CRAZY?!? Just use Skype to see your relatives.
- Snowy driveway — so much DANGER! Shovel = muscle strains in neck/back/arms. Snowblower = horrible finger-mangling, or high-velocity ice-chip into the eyeball. Better hire someone to come plow the driveway.
- Can a fruitcake carry salmonella? Throw it out just to make sure. And drinking EGG nog is just ASKING for trouble.
- Candy cane = choking hazard, possible allergic reaction to food coloring.
- Relatives coming to visit? Perhaps they could swing by an urgent care and all get swabbed for strep throat first?
- Note to self: Next Christmas, ask Santa for autoclave. (But don’t ask in person — too risky.)
- Can reindeer carry ticks with Lyme disease too? OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD! (And why is Rudolph’s nose RED? Fever? Cellulitis? FLESH-EATING BACTERIA!??!)
Merry Christmas, and God Bless All The Nut-Jobs who Keep Me in Business! :)
