***Page 1: Your period has arrived, again. You look in your bathroom cupboard, and can’t find any tampons. And with cigarette prices going up, money is tight! What do you do?
Go to the store and buy some tampons, go to page 85.
Don’t want to spend your cigarette $ on tampons, but certainly you’ll come up with a better idea, march on to page 2.
Do you see where this story is headed? Read on if you dare! [Editor’s Warning: This story contains graphic depictions of real-life financial decisions made by patients with Medicaid insurance and nicotine addiction. Do not read further if you are easily offended by reality.]
***Page 2: You’re bleeding all over the place! But those tampons are just fancy rolls of absorbent material, right? And what do you already own that’s absorbent? TOILET PAPER! (It says so, right on the package: Absorbent.)
Roll up some toilet paper, start to stuff it into your hoohah, and then realize that this is probably a bad idea, so you go and buy tampons after all, even though it means running short on cigarettes for a day, go to page 85.
Staunch the bleeding with toilet paper, and then when the bleeding resumes, just add more toilet paper without removing the first plug, keep on plugging to page 3.
***Page 3: Hooray! After 4 days of menstruation, the bleeding has finally stopped! And you didn’t have to waste any money on those tampons, either. But I wonder if you should take out all that toilet paper that’s still huddling in your vajayjay?
Spend an hour picking and rinsing blood-soaked paper out of yourself, managing to avoid a pelvic infection, go to page 85.
Smoke another cigarette to take your mind off of this whole stressful topic, and go merrily about your life, meander on to page 4.
***Page 4: It’s been 2 weeks since your last period, and things are starting to smell kinda… ripe. And now your lower abdomen feels really achy. And you feel tired all the time. And is that discharge in your underwear? Maybe you should see a doctor about this! After all, you have state insurance, so your copay is only $3.
Go see your doctor right away, go to page 85.
Don’t want to spend valuable cigarette money on those exorbitant copays, so just wait another 2 weeks to see if everything will just fix itself (spoiler alert: it won’t), trundle on to page 5.
***Page 5: Your next period has arrived, and you are in now in terrible pelvic pain. You grudgingly go to your local Urgent Care, where $3 later, the concerned physician informs you that you have a serious pelvic infection and need to see a specialist right away today in order to remove all of the “stringy fibrous pus-infused foreign bodies” (that’s how I worded it in the dictation; aka "month-old plugs of rancid toilet paper") from your oohoo and check you for some serious infection complications. You’re very frustrated by this whole inconvenience, and your parting words to the physician are, “This is so stupid.” The Urgent Care doctor cannot agree more. THE END.
***Page 85: You are too smart to end up on my blog. Go back to your normal life, you intelligent creature you!