Cranquis: Well that tiny slightly-tender scabbed area in your groin, which is “already much smaller than it was yesterday”, looks like an ingrown hair to me, sir.
30-something Male Patient: No, I disagree.
Cranquis: What do you think it is?
Cranquis: Um, you said it only shows up after you shave your groin hair, about once every 6 months, and then goes away after 2 days. That doesn’t sound like any syphilis chancre I’ve ever heard of.
Patient: No, I looked it up online, and I think it’s syphilis. Plus I’ve noticed that my brain doesn’t work well sometimes, and that happens with syphilis too, right?
Cranquis (ignoring that too-easy opportunity for a sarcastic comment a la House): So you’re saying you have a syphilis chancre that goes away 2 days after it shows up, without any medication?
Patient: Well, I have a strong immune system, so I probably cure it on my own.
Cranquis (struggling not to cry or laugh at this point): Ok, let’s cut to the chase — did you just come in to get tested for syphilis today? Because I’m happy to order that lab test.
Patient: Oh, I don’t know, how much does that test cost? Cuz I can get tested online for $80 and I don’t have health insurance.
Cranquis: Way more than $80.
Patient: I’ll just come back some other time.
Cranquis: I’m so glad I could help you today.