Dr. Cranquis' Mumbled Gripes

zoradomain submitted (2 months ago! Oops, sorry for the late reply!):

So, i’ve had a rought time trying to submit to your ask box. This is something I have wanted to know about for a while, however, now i realize it as not much of a question as it once was.

I guess I’ll kind of introduce myself, Im julie and I’m only eighteen but my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer this past February. She went through one surgery, but they discovered more cancerous cells within the tissue and she went through five months of chemo. Over the summer was when I really wanted to ask you, or ANYONE what I could really do to make sure nothing happened so that I didn’t get her sick. I figured it out on my own, however she got poison ivy which she has NEVER been allergic to. Granted, the chemo took away that leisure and the ivy spread all over her body, including her dear bald head. She was given steroids which finally took it out (regular cream would not do the trick) and her last surgery was on my first day of school. Everything went very well, and now she is healing/recovering.

I know my mom and I only dealt with cancer for eight months. It was very hard to see her being beaten down by her medicine, the chemo and everything, but we both worked hard to be strong through everything. She always told me that there are so many people out there who have to deal with cancer for so much longer, going through things like she did, and sometimes even worse. Now she is participating in neuroscience programs that study the after effects of chemo, and I aspire to become a nueroscientist so this all interests me very well. But I was wondering, for anyone else out there, for any of your followers out there who deal/have dealt with cancer, if you could supply us with some of your comments on this or some websites that may relate? I think many people are at a loss as to how to truly live with someone with cancer, as well as the patient themselves. I tried searching your blog for cancer posts but did not see any (even though i doubt you’ve skipped the topic) so this may be a nice start.

I apologize for the novel, but I greatly appreciate your time and hope to figure out any new information in the near future! 

Zoradomain — I am so sorry I haven’t replied to this question earlier! Somehow it got lost in the shuffle of my ever-over-flowing inbox. (I vaguely recall sending you a quick private reply right after you wrote this? I hope?) Anyways, here’s my novel of a reply…

You and your mother have been through a truly life-changing experience! I’m so glad your mother has gone into remission, and I’m glad that you are finding motivation for your own career within this too.

I have written some posts about cancer (aka oncology) before, so you can take a look at those. I don’t think I’ve specifically written anything about How to Live with Someone who has Cancer, though — and I’m not sure how qualified I am to write such a post, since I’ve never had to deal with cancer personally in my family or close friends. I’m sure that some of my followers know of blogs/websites for Family Members of Cancer Patients (Speak up in the reply or Disqus sections, folks!), but I don’t.

However, to not send you away empty-handed, let me at least jot down a few things that I, as a doctor, feel would be Useful Advice to Family Members of Cancer Patients: 

• Be a sensitive cheer-leader — As a loving relative, you will feel emotionally-invested in every outcome (positive or negative) of your loved one’s cancer diagnosis, therapies, and prognosis. There will be times when Your Patient will need you to be angry, or sad, or ecstatic, or hopeful with them… but be careful to let the Patient (not YOU) dictate the emotional tone! For example, Your Patient may have just finally achieved some acceptance about their diagnosis, but if you continue to rage about it in front of them, you may “drag them backwards” emotionally.
• Advocate, don’t argue — If you attend doctor visits with Your Patient, be an influence for good. Help Your Patient remember symptoms and questions, but don’t be argumentative and waste everyone’s time. Help Your Patient keep track of what’s coming next. Ask questions to help clarify medical terms or confusing reports. Just don’t be difficult! (Chroniccurve wrote an excellent post about “family members in the exam room” recently; here’s her post plus my comments on it.)
• Be a researcher — It sounds like you’ve been doing this already, zoradomain. Look for news about treatments/side effects/considerations about Your Patient’s particular diagnosis. Collect tidbits on how to keep Your Patient healthy during chemo. Search for websites written by/for people with cancer. (I highly recommend The Hermudgeon’s blog, which contains insightful [and wickedly-funny] posts about her travels on “Air Cancer 101.”)
• Be a wise researcher — As you collect all that data, try to bring some objectivity to the process. Don’t just assume that “everything written about cancer is true” — it isn’t. Desperation sells, and many people waste valuable time, money, and emotional investment in cancer therapies or “cures” that just don’t work, or which cause more harm than good. (Some could even argue this statement applies to standard medical interventions like chemo and radiation, in terminally-ill cancer patients — here’s a post on that topic.)
• Don’t wait until the last minute to talk about the “D word” — I have lost track of how many patients I’ve seen who had been obviously dying for days or weeks, but whose families had “no idea it was that serious!” All too often, patients and families don’t talk about death and dying until the patient is dead or dying. It’s as if everyone is afraid that simply discussing the topic will bring about the condition. And because of this superstitious fear, nobody asks the doctor, “What’s the worst that could happen? How will we know if it’s time to shift from Curative to Palliative interventions? What are our options for controlling pain? What IS hospice, anyways? Do you think Our Patient could benefit from a hospice consult? Does consulting hospice mean ‘giving up’? Will this new drug stop the cancer, or just slow it down?” And as I’ve said before, too many doctors won’t discuss those topics unless the PATIENT or the patient’s FAMILY bring them up!!
• Get to know Your Patient — As chronicled by a palliative care nurse, terminally-ill patients have certain common regrets that they bottle up inside. Even if Your Patient is not knocking on death’s door, the emotions of a cancer diagnosis will often dredge up memories and feelings that need to be processed. Try to be a “safe place” for Your Patient to reminisce; be a non-judgmental sounding board for their feelings of worry, guilt, and regret. Perhaps the two of you have never been able to have “deep conversations” before, but you may be surprised how that changes once the spectre of Cancer sits in the corner of your minds! You may find a stronger relationship together than you ever knew before, and that’s one way of finding good in a bad situation.

Well I hope that list can help someone out there. Thanks for sharing your story with me and my readers, and may your mother’s health continue strong!